• If you think “widdershins” refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door….
• If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg….
• If you think a goblet is a young turkey….
• If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse….
• If you call your coven mates “Bud” and “Sis”….
• If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13…
• If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene….
• If you pronounce “Athame” as “Athaym” and “Samhain” as “Sammon” or “Sam-hayn”….
• If you think a “Sidhe” is a girl….
• If your idea of the “Goddess” is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team….
• If your Bard plays the banjo….
• If your ‘Long Lost Friend really IS….
• If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars…
• If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod….
• If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head…
• If you call the Quarters by invoking “Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob”….
• If you call the Gods by hollerin’ “Hey y’all, watch me!”….
• If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back….
• If you’ve ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker….
• If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun….
• If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots….
• If you’ve ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff….
• If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21….
• If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words “After you turn off the paved road”….
• If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag….
• If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle….
• If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still….
• If you use an engine block for an altar….
• If your High Priestess is your cousin – as well as your wife….
• If, when drawing down the moon, you say, “Ya’ll come on down, ya hear?”….
• If your pickup truck has an Athame rack….
• If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)….
• If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar….
• Your pentacle is eched into a 57 chevy hubcap.
• You refer to the god as Bubba.
• Enacting the great rite is a family thing.
• Your chalice is an old mayo jar.
• You don’t use candles because tiki torches are so much easier to see.
• Skyclad is your normal attire around the house.

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