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(Tune: The Beverly Hillbillies by E.Scruggs) (Lyrical adaptation by Hare)

Now listen to the words of the Great Star Mother,
In days long past called by one name or tuther,
“I am your Mammy, Queen of Earth, Air, Fire, Sea,
So you better quit your yappin’ an’ listen to me.”
(Isis, that is…Astarte…Cerridwen)

“When the Moon is full, bright as a silver dollar,
Open up yer winder an give your Mam a hollar.
I’ll hear you callin, jest as clear as a bell,
An I’ll come a runnin an visit fer a spell.”
(Circle, that is…Esbat…Draw down the Moon)

“Now y’all listen up, ’cause I’d hate to be a bitch,
When we have our shindigs t’aint none should wear a stitch.
Y’all will eat an’ drink an’ dance an’ love, to show that you’re free,
‘Cause all acts of pleasure are sacred to me.”
(Skyclad, that is…Great Rite…Cakes an’ Wine)

“If you wanna know my secrets, then look in your own hide,
‘Cause if what you seek ain’t there, well, it won’t be found outside.
The greatest Mysteries t’aint really dread nor dire,
I’m with you at the start, and at the end of desire.”
(That’s right, listen to your heart! Y’all will come back now, y’hear!)

When you wanna become an official Redneck, fill in this form (copy the thing to your WordProcessor an mail it to redneckapp@redneckwitch.com)

Application form to become an official Redneck

Name:_____________________________
Nickname:________________________________
CB Handle:______________________________
Address (RFD No.)_____________–_________________________

Daddy (if unknown, list 3 suspects):____________________________________
Mamma:___________________________________

Neck Shade:_________Light Red _________Medium Red __________Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_______ Lower________

Name of Pickup owned:________________________
Height of Truck________________
Truck equipped with:
Gun Rack ______4-Wheel Drive ______Confederate Flag _______
Cassette Deck ______Load of Wood ______Hijacker Shocks _______Radar Detector ______
Mag Wheels ______Dual CB Antennas _______Spittoon ______Camper Top ______
Air Horns _______Mud Flaps ______Toothpick Holder ______Mug-Grip Tires _______
Racoon Hide ______Big Dog

Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup:_________

BUMPER STICKERS:
Eat More Possum _____My other car is a piece of shit too _____Honk if you’re horny _____
If you ain’t a cowboy you ain’t shit _____Redman Chewing Tobacco _____Wave if you’re horny ___

Define the following (must be 90% correct):
Grits ______________________________________________________________________

Sawmill Gravy________________________________________________________________

Cobbler_____________________________________________________________________

Tater______________________________________________________________________

Goobers____________________________________________________________________

Turnip Salad_________________________________________________________________

Fatback____________________________________________________________________

Pig Skins___________________________________________________________________

Pinto Beans _________________________________________________________________

Shit-on-a-shingle______________________________________________________________

Tote ___________________________________________________________________

Okrie___________________________________________________________________

Collards ___________________________________________________________________

Redeye Gravy___________________________________________________________________

Chickin’ Fry ___________________________________________________________________

Soppin’ Syrup___________________________________________________________________

Poke___________________________________________________________________

Chitlins___________________________________________________________________

Favorite Vocalist:
Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn ____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard ____Tammy Wynette
____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner ____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation
Square Dancin’ ____Possum Huntin’ ____Skinny Dippin’ ____Craw Daddin’ ____Gospel Singin’____
4-Wheelin’ ____Drankin’ ____Spittin’ Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin’ ____Honky Tonkin’ ____
Noodlin’ ____Other

Name of son(s):
Bubba _______Jim Bob _______LeeRoy ______J.D.

Name of Daughter(s):
PammySue ______Violet ______Paulette _____Daisy

Weapons owned: _____Deer Rifle _____Sawed-off Shotgun _____Varmit Rifle _____Log Cabin _____Tire Iron _____Power Chain Saw
_____Pick Handle _____Hick’ry Switch

Number of Dogs:_____ Type:_____Blue Tick ______Black & Tan _______Beagle _______Bird Dawg >

Cap Emblem: _____John Deer _____McCullock Chain Saws _____Budweiser _____Vo-Tech _____Skoal _____Coors _____NAPA _____Smile
If You’re Not Wearing Underwear

Number of Dependants: _______Legal _______Claimed

Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________

Number of Welfare Checks Received:_________

Memberships:

KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA ___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin’ Bee ___American Legion ___ United Sons and Daughters of the Confederacy ___John Birch Society

Length of Right Leg:__________
Length of Left Leg:___________

Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color of Primer Red?Yes ___No___
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?__________
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?________
Do you own any shoes? _____Yes _____No If yes, how many?_________
What year did you last purchase shoes?_________
Are you married to any of the following: _______Sister _______Cousin ________Sow
Do you know her name? _____________
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?_________
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?___________
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?__________
If so, why?_______________________________________________________________
Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?___________________ To 21 with your fly up?_________________
Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______________
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?_______________
Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
BO ____Crabs ____Head Lice _____Rabies ____Trench Mouth _____Runny Nose _____Bad Breath ____Chafing

 IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN, YOU MAY BE STILL QUALIFY TO ATTEND AUBURN UNIVERSITY. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY
LOWER.

I just added some new ebooks to:  http://www.redneckwitch.com/downloads.html.

I actually have gotten a few things hammered out on the website;  i have fixed the music page…yes you can actually download from that page now!  (it helps when the tags are right! LOL).  I also added a couple of online web games (click here to check them out).  And i found this really cool online tarot card reader at mystic eye.

• If you think “widdershins” refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door….
• If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg….
• If you think a goblet is a young turkey….
• If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse….
• If you call your coven mates “Bud” and “Sis”….
• If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13…
• If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene….
• If you pronounce “Athame” as “Athaym” and “Samhain” as “Sammon” or “Sam-hayn”….
• If you think a “Sidhe” is a girl….
• If your idea of the “Goddess” is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team….
• If your Bard plays the banjo….
• If your ‘Long Lost Friend really IS….
• If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars…
• If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod….
• If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head…
• If you call the Quarters by invoking “Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob”….
• If you call the Gods by hollerin’ “Hey y’all, watch me!”….
• If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back….
• If you’ve ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker….
• If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun….
• If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots….
• If you’ve ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff….
• If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21….
• If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words “After you turn off the paved road”….
• If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag….
• If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle….
• If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still….
• If you use an engine block for an altar….
• If your High Priestess is your cousin – as well as your wife….
• If, when drawing down the moon, you say, “Ya’ll come on down, ya hear?”….
• If your pickup truck has an Athame rack….
• If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)….
• If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar….
• Your pentacle is eched into a 57 chevy hubcap.
• You refer to the god as Bubba.
• Enacting the great rite is a family thing.
• Your chalice is an old mayo jar.
• You don’t use candles because tiki torches are so much easier to see.
• Skyclad is your normal attire around the house.

 DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:

• Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own clothes, homeschool their children and brew their own organic hooch.
• Are looking forward to the bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the environmentalists as they can’t wait to run amok through the country, worshipping ancient gods, blowing up strip malls and rutting on the divider line of every interstate.
• Resourceful, clever and very well versed in the U. S. Constitution. Eats meat with visible twitches of pleasure. Is aware that primitive religions have nothing to do with crystals, Atlantis or unicorns.
• You may be a monster truck pagan if cakes & wine means tailgate party.
• You may be a monster truck pagan if Autumn is the Burning Time.
• You may be a monster-truck pagan if your anointing oil is 30 weight.

monster truck pagan

whoa…a blog…finally got it set up and can actually get to wordpress and even login!  may miracles never cease!

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