Now for those of you who are new, and have never encountered persons calling themselves pagans, witches, goddess-worshippers, here’s how to tell us apart–with a healthy bit of tongue in one’s cheek.

Bright-Eyed Novice:
You just read this cool book about a religion where there’s a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.

• Distinguishing Signs:
  Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with “A-frame”.)

Grand Old Wo/Man:
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley – or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name? 

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows all the famous Witches’ and Pagans you’ve only read about.

Tree Hugging Nature Sprite:
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry’s old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment’s notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.

Anal Retentive Ceremonialist:
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does “workings” instead of “rituals”. All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Won’t go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.

Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man’s shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She’ll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.

Sexy Pagan Nymph:
Oh, they’re so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh — and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms… pant, drool…

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.

Corporate Closet Witch:
“Hey, boss — I’d like to take February 2nd as a personal day…” Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn’t mind working on Christmas, especially if there’s overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say “Merry Christmas.”

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.

Childe Ov Kaos:
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don’t know what it means, they’ll think you’re a dweeb.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.

Pagan Celebrity:
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with “I”. If you ask them how it’s going, they hand you a press release.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don’t already know.

Scary Devil Worshipper:
Would never been caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they’re capable of vast destruction.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eye liner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.

Crowley-In-A-Past-Life:
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.

Ravin’ Pagan:
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say “Ayahuasca” ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you’ve taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum.

Faerie Queen:
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time…

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  When you look at this person, does every sex act you’ve ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations — you’ve found a Faerie!

High Episcopagan:
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It’s a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde English, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of “Carmina Burana”. Don’t ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you’ve got an hour to spare.

Fundamentapagan:
If it’s in a book, it must be true. If it’s in an old book, it must really be true. If it’s in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn’t read or write, then it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job, dare not call themselves a pagan.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old “Crowley ghosted Gardner’s books” argument. Goes around correcting everyone’s gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.

Dances With Bunny rabbits:
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you’ve found a worshipper of beasties.

Priest/ess of Political Correctness:
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty — everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.

Our Lady Of Intense Suffering:
Is constantly persecuted. You’re probably persecuting her right now, you just don’t realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was the most persecuted religion of all. Can’t enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone says the words “masochist” or “whining”.

I Am Not Spock (at the moment):
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.

Het-Case:
Insist that they aren’t homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn’t “work right” if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only — men have big, bushy beards instead.)

Norse Code:
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you’re a wimp, you’re expressly not invited.

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.

Pentacles, Inc:
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren’t buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces — they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or Master Card?

•   Distinguishing Signs:
  Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You’ve never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life. Rarely leaves the dealer’s room and can’t believe there are so many jewelry sellers present.

• If your athame has a SCSI interface…
• If your OBE’s begin with a netsplit…
• If your priest robes conceal a pocket protector…
• If you calculate the phases of the moon with Windows 7…
• If your altar has a keyboard…
• If drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test)…
• If you call the Watch Towers on your cell-tell…
• If you do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be…
• If you don’t call it a ritual, you call it a Macro…
• If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del…
• If you have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun…
• If you invite the God and Goddess to come online…
• If you keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups)…
• If you participate in online rituals more than you do FTF…
• If you refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming…
• If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group…
• If your candles have batteries…
• If your cauldron is a crock-pot…
• If your deities include Murphy and Gates…
• If your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded)…
• If your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight)…
• If your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby…
• If your incense is by Glade…
• If your magic wand is a light pen…
• If your magical name, email address, and online name are all the same…
• If your magical writing is done in binary code or C++…
• If your pentacle is made of computer chips…
• If your technician compains about the wax and incense ash on your motherboard…
• If, instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run…
• If your Yule ritual involves defragmentation…
• If your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area…
• If your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number…
• If you refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR)…
• If you do cord magick with ethernet…
• If you ritually down your server for Samhain…
• If your altar cloth is a mouse pad…
• If, when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in…
• If erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks…
• If casteing the circle changes an (int) to a (float)…
• If your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over…
• If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group…
• If passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command…
• If your search for truth involves regular expressions…
• If your familiar is a computer mouse…
• If you draw down the moon using a light-pen…
• If your cone of power has a surge suppressor…
• If your tarot cards multi-task…
• If your daemons collect news for you…
• If your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control…
• If you refer to solitary practice as a stand alone…
• If you tap into the collective unconscious using IE8…
• If your favorite deity has a homepage…
• If the address of your covenstead begins with http://…
• and finally, if your circle is a token ring…

Well, you just might be a TechnoPagan!

(Tune: The Beverly Hillbillies by E.Scruggs) (Lyrical adaptation by Hare)

Now listen to the words of the Great Star Mother,
In days long past called by one name or tuther,
“I am your Mammy, Queen of Earth, Air, Fire, Sea,
So you better quit your yappin’ an’ listen to me.”
(Isis, that is…Astarte…Cerridwen)

“When the Moon is full, bright as a silver dollar,
Open up yer winder an give your Mam a hollar.
I’ll hear you callin, jest as clear as a bell,
An I’ll come a runnin an visit fer a spell.”
(Circle, that is…Esbat…Draw down the Moon)

“Now y’all listen up, ’cause I’d hate to be a bitch,
When we have our shindigs t’aint none should wear a stitch.
Y’all will eat an’ drink an’ dance an’ love, to show that you’re free,
‘Cause all acts of pleasure are sacred to me.”
(Skyclad, that is…Great Rite…Cakes an’ Wine)

“If you wanna know my secrets, then look in your own hide,
‘Cause if what you seek ain’t there, well, it won’t be found outside.
The greatest Mysteries t’aint really dread nor dire,
I’m with you at the start, and at the end of desire.”
(That’s right, listen to your heart! Y’all will come back now, y’hear!)

When you wanna become an official Redneck, fill in this form (copy the thing to your WordProcessor an mail it to redneckapp@redneckwitch.com)

Application form to become an official Redneck

Name:_____________________________
Nickname:________________________________
CB Handle:______________________________
Address (RFD No.)_____________–_________________________

Daddy (if unknown, list 3 suspects):____________________________________
Mamma:___________________________________

Neck Shade:_________Light Red _________Medium Red __________Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_______ Lower________

Name of Pickup owned:________________________
Height of Truck________________
Truck equipped with:
Gun Rack ______4-Wheel Drive ______Confederate Flag _______
Cassette Deck ______Load of Wood ______Hijacker Shocks _______Radar Detector ______
Mag Wheels ______Dual CB Antennas _______Spittoon ______Camper Top ______
Air Horns _______Mud Flaps ______Toothpick Holder ______Mug-Grip Tires _______
Racoon Hide ______Big Dog

Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup:_________

BUMPER STICKERS:
Eat More Possum _____My other car is a piece of shit too _____Honk if you’re horny _____
If you ain’t a cowboy you ain’t shit _____Redman Chewing Tobacco _____Wave if you’re horny ___

Define the following (must be 90% correct):
Grits ______________________________________________________________________

Sawmill Gravy________________________________________________________________

Cobbler_____________________________________________________________________

Tater______________________________________________________________________

Goobers____________________________________________________________________

Turnip Salad_________________________________________________________________

Fatback____________________________________________________________________

Pig Skins___________________________________________________________________

Pinto Beans _________________________________________________________________

Shit-on-a-shingle______________________________________________________________

Tote ___________________________________________________________________

Okrie___________________________________________________________________

Collards ___________________________________________________________________

Redeye Gravy___________________________________________________________________

Chickin’ Fry ___________________________________________________________________

Soppin’ Syrup___________________________________________________________________

Poke___________________________________________________________________

Chitlins___________________________________________________________________

Favorite Vocalist:
Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn ____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard ____Tammy Wynette
____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner ____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation
Square Dancin’ ____Possum Huntin’ ____Skinny Dippin’ ____Craw Daddin’ ____Gospel Singin’____
4-Wheelin’ ____Drankin’ ____Spittin’ Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin’ ____Honky Tonkin’ ____
Noodlin’ ____Other

Name of son(s):
Bubba _______Jim Bob _______LeeRoy ______J.D.

Name of Daughter(s):
PammySue ______Violet ______Paulette _____Daisy

Weapons owned: _____Deer Rifle _____Sawed-off Shotgun _____Varmit Rifle _____Log Cabin _____Tire Iron _____Power Chain Saw
_____Pick Handle _____Hick’ry Switch

Number of Dogs:_____ Type:_____Blue Tick ______Black & Tan _______Beagle _______Bird Dawg >

Cap Emblem: _____John Deer _____McCullock Chain Saws _____Budweiser _____Vo-Tech _____Skoal _____Coors _____NAPA _____Smile
If You’re Not Wearing Underwear

Number of Dependants: _______Legal _______Claimed

Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________

Number of Welfare Checks Received:_________

Memberships:

KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA ___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin’ Bee ___American Legion ___ United Sons and Daughters of the Confederacy ___John Birch Society

Length of Right Leg:__________
Length of Left Leg:___________

Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color of Primer Red?Yes ___No___
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?__________
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?________
Do you own any shoes? _____Yes _____No If yes, how many?_________
What year did you last purchase shoes?_________
Are you married to any of the following: _______Sister _______Cousin ________Sow
Do you know her name? _____________
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?_________
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?___________
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?__________
If so, why?_______________________________________________________________
Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?___________________ To 21 with your fly up?_________________
Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______________
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?_______________
Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
BO ____Crabs ____Head Lice _____Rabies ____Trench Mouth _____Runny Nose _____Bad Breath ____Chafing

 IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN, YOU MAY BE STILL QUALIFY TO ATTEND AUBURN UNIVERSITY. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY
LOWER.

I just added some new ebooks to:  http://www.redneckwitch.com/downloads.html.

If you’d like to check out my Glass Genie just click on the Wine Accessories tab at the top of the page.  I will be adding more as soon as my server gets over its lag situation

I have finally added a shopping cart to my site.  http://redneckw.dot5hosting.com/store/index.html I make wine glass holders that are like a necklace..they are really great when you are trying to balance a plate of food and a glass of wine at a wine tasting or a party.  Hands free!  

Everyone said that i should sell them soooo.. here they are!  I only have a couple of them displayed right now.  But I will get more online this week.

I actually have gotten a few things hammered out on the website;  i have fixed the music page…yes you can actually download from that page now!  (it helps when the tags are right! LOL).  I also added a couple of online web games (click here to check them out).  And i found this really cool online tarot card reader at mystic eye.

• If you think “widdershins” refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door….
• If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg….
• If you think a goblet is a young turkey….
• If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse….
• If you call your coven mates “Bud” and “Sis”….
• If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13…
• If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene….
• If you pronounce “Athame” as “Athaym” and “Samhain” as “Sammon” or “Sam-hayn”….
• If you think a “Sidhe” is a girl….
• If your idea of the “Goddess” is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team….
• If your Bard plays the banjo….
• If your ‘Long Lost Friend really IS….
• If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars…
• If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod….
• If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head…
• If you call the Quarters by invoking “Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob”….
• If you call the Gods by hollerin’ “Hey y’all, watch me!”….
• If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back….
• If you’ve ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker….
• If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun….
• If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots….
• If you’ve ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff….
• If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21….
• If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words “After you turn off the paved road”….
• If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag….
• If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle….
• If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still….
• If you use an engine block for an altar….
• If your High Priestess is your cousin – as well as your wife….
• If, when drawing down the moon, you say, “Ya’ll come on down, ya hear?”….
• If your pickup truck has an Athame rack….
• If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)….
• If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar….
• Your pentacle is eched into a 57 chevy hubcap.
• You refer to the god as Bubba.
• Enacting the great rite is a family thing.
• Your chalice is an old mayo jar.
• You don’t use candles because tiki torches are so much easier to see.
• Skyclad is your normal attire around the house.